The Secrets We Keep
by Catherine4
Summary: A straight forward case of a home invasion gone wrong hits Kim hard and a secret from her past comes hurtling into the present. This is Kim's story, but the whole team will feature.
1. Chapter 1

_The last thing I should be doing is starting another Chicago PD fic but here we are. This was sparked by a scene between Antonio and Kim in episode 5x03. This isn't really anything to do with that, but I got an idea because of it and couldn't let it go, so here it is. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. I just need to say that I don't know if they've ever said how old Kim is on the show and I couldn't find it out anywhere, so I took a guess. This will probably be a two parter. I find titles so hard guys, I know it sucks but I wanted to post ASAP!_

* * *

"Morning Sargent." Hailey Upton met Voight has he pulled up to the crime scene and ducked under the tape held up by a uniform.

"Morning. What have we got?"

"The next door neighbour heard screaming and called 911 about a half hour ago. The kitchen window was smashed, that looks like the entry point. Everything points to a burglary gone wrong, the place is trashed. There are two victims. One male in his early fifties was DOA, the woman, presumably his wife, was in a bad way but she was still alive when ambo took her to Med."

"You were first on scene?"

Upton coughed. "Er yeah. We heard the call go out over the radio. Adam's new place… It's just a couple of blocks away."

Voight held up his hand. He didn't want to know. "Is Ruzek inside?"

"Yes. Listen, we can hand this off to robbery and homicide if you want."

Voight shrugged. "We're here now. What the hell?"

Adam came down the front porch then and nodded to Voight. "Hey boss."

"Hey. Did you find anything?"

"It looks like this couple and their teenage son only moved in a couple of days ago. All their stuff is still in boxes. The break in happened around 8 o'clock. It will be a while before we can figure out if anything was stolen or if there was another motive. Witnesses say they saw a blue van fleeing the scene but no one saw the offenders and no one caught the licence plate."

"Alright. Let the crime lab do their thing, I'll meet you two back at the District. We'll check traffic pods and figure out where they went. I assumed you have an ID on the victims?"

* * *

"The victim's names are Frank and Colleen Ashe. They just moved to Chicago from Portland a month ago, they've been renting an apartment while they finalised the purchase of their house, and they just moved in at the weekend." Jay stuck the couple's photos on the board.

At the sound of the victim's names, Kim's head snapped up. Her heart began to pound.

"Unfortunately, Mr Ashe was already dead when we arrived on scene, GSW to the chest and one to the shoulder. His wife suffered severe head injuries and was taken to Med. I talked to my brother, she came through surgery but is in a coma, they're not sure if she's going to make it."

Kim stared at the smiling faces of the couple in their early fifties and felt her hands begin to shake with shock. It was like being punched in the gut, seeing them again. Older, sure, but unmistakably the same people. She took a deep breath to try and steady herself. She didn't want her colleagues to cotton on to the fact that anything was wrong. Not yet, not before she'd had a chance to process what had happened herself. "Was anybody else hurt?"

Everyone turned to look at her. Jay answered, his brow furrowed. "No. Their son Spencer, 17, was away at a hockey camp. A couple of officers went to get him and take him to the hospital to see his mom." Jay picked up another photo from the pile and stuck it onto the board. In the photo a dark haired teenage with large eyes and an athletic build grinned back at them from a high school yearbook photo.

Kim stared at the photos, no longer listening to anything any of the team were saying. She needed to get out of there. She felt like she was going to be sick. From the next desk over Antonio watched her curiously but didn't say a word. It wasn't until Voight's gruff voice cut through the air that Kim brought her attention back to the room.

"Okay" Voight said. "Upton, Halstead, you head over to Med and see if the son can tell you anything about why his family may have been targeted. Atwater and Ruzek, head back to the neighbourhood and see if you can find any witnesses who actually saw the offenders. Any description at all because right now, we've got nothing. Dawson, Burgess, head to the ME's office and find out what you can about how he died." Voight nodded once and his team took that as their cue to get to work. All but Kim. She couldn't move, she just stared at the case board numbly.

Antonio put his hand on her shoulder and she flinched. "Hey. Are you alright? I didn't mean to scare you."

Kim blinked. "Yeah" she said, but sounded far from convincing. "Sargent, can I talk to you?"

Voight stopped in the doorway to his office and turned back around. "Sure."

Kim followed him, leaving a bewildered Antonio standing by her desk, and closed the door. "Sarge, can I sit this one out? It's tough for me to explain." Kim swallowed and looked away. "I knew them, the victims, a long time ago. Well, kind of. I met them a few times." Kim was rambling now.

Voight looked up from the file he was reading with interest. "Oh yeah? Do you know anything you think might help with the investigation?"

Kim started breathing rapidly again and she fought hard to keep herself under control. "No. I haven't seen them in a long time, it's just hard for me." Kim looked up at her boss. "Please don't ask me anymore."

Voight sighed. He could see how distressed his officer was. Through his years on the job he had got reading people's body language down to an art. But they dealt with hard cases every day, if they had to step off a case every time one of them was affected by the investigation, they would never catch anyone.

"Listen Burgess. If you won't tell me what the problem is, I can't help you. I'm sure it will be fine, whatever it is. The team are here for you. But I need you. We need to find out who hurt this family."

Outside Voight's office, Antonio was putting on his jacket, ready to leave with Kim to go talk to the medical examiner, but when he saw Kim stumble out of Voight's office he moved towards her, concerned. It looked like she was about to faint.

"Burgess. Talk to me. What's the matter?"

Kim stopped for a moment then covered her mouth with her hand. "I'm sorry. I think I'm going to throw up."

In the bathroom, Kim splashed her face with cold water from the faucet and leant on the washbasin. _Get a grip_ , she thought to herself. She stared at her reflection hard in the mirror, willing herself to get a hold of her emotions. Her heart was only just beginning to slow back down to a normal rhythm. There was a knock on the door to the bathroom and a second later, Antonio slowly opened it.

"Hey, are you alright?"

Kim nodded, half to Antonio and half to herself in the mirror. She grabbed a paper towel and dried her hands quickly before throwing it in the trash. "Yeah. Let's go."

* * *

Hailey knocked on the open door of the side room in ITU to announce her presence. Inside, Mrs Ashe lay, hooked up to wires and tubes keeping her alive. Her son sat by her bed, his back to the door, and was holding her hand so tightly his knuckles were white. He was still in his field hockey jersey, but it was perfectly clean. Hailey had a vision of his mother ironing it and folding it and handing it to him on his way out the door to go to camp. The poor kid probably hadn't even got on the field this morning before uniform showed up to get him.

"Spencer" Hailey said. "I'm Detective Upton, this is Detective Halstead. Is it alright if we come in and talk to you?"

Spencer turned towards the voice and his dark floppy hair fell across his face. "Did you find who hurt my parents?" he asked. His face was red and his eyes were swollen and he looked like how whole world had fallen apart. Hell, his whole world _had_ fallen apart.

"No, not yet" Hailey admitted. "That's what we wanted to talk to you about. Do you know anyone who might have wanted to hurt your family?" She walked into the room and stood just behind him.

Spencer shook his head. "No. We hardly know anyone in Chicago, we've only been here a month." He turned away then, words caught in his throat. Hailey felt a pang of pain towards this kid. She couldn't imagine what he was going through. "It was supposed to be a new start, you know? My Dad grew up in Chicago. My Grandpa, he's sick, my Dad got a new job because he wanted to be closer to his family. Now he's dead, and my Mom might not wake up and I don't know what I'm going to do."

Spencer put his forehead on the rail of his Mom's bed and a sob escaped him. Hailey put a gentle hand on his back. "We're going to catch whoever did this. I promise you that." Jay hung back in the doorway and she looked up at him then. Hailey knew what the look he gave her meant, it meant you shouldn't make promises like that, promises you had no way of knowing you could keep, but Hailey didn't care. "Have you seen anyone hanging around your house? Maybe someone acting suspiciously?"

Spencer shook his head. "No. I don't know. I can't remember."

Hailey nodded. They wouldn't get anywhere at the moment, the poor kid was too upset. "If you can think of anything that might help, however small, will you tell me?" Spencer sat up and nodded slowly. "Is there somebody I can call, someone who can be with you?"

Spencer wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his jersey. "My aunt's coming. She should be here soon."

"That's great." She took a card out of her jeans pocket and handed it to Spencer. "Call me any time" she said. "I hope your Mom pulls through. We'll be thinking of you."

In the hallway, Hailey and Jay stopped Will Halstead on his way into the room. "Is there any change?" Jay asked his brother.

Will looked solemnly back at the detectives. "No. She's stable for now, but there was some pretty severe damage to her brain when the burglars hit her. It looked like they used a baseball bat or some other blunt object. The neurosurgeon said they'll need to go in again once the swelling goes down. She's not out of the woods by any means."

"Will you keep us updated?" Jay asked.

"Of course."

"Thanks man. We've got to go." In the elevator Jay and Hailey shared a look and Jay shook his head in disbelief. "Poor guy. Imagine your whole life changing in an instant like that."

"I know" said Hailey. She was still thinking about the look on Spencer's face. "It's brutal. I know I shouldn't have promised him, but I had to, you know?"

Jay nodded. He probably would have said the same thing. "I know."

* * *

At a stop light, Antonio glanced across at his partner in the passenger seat. Kim was quiet, distracted. The light changed and Antonio looked back at the road and pulled away. "Kim, you can talk to me, you know. Whatever it is. I want to help."

Kim had been staring out the window in thought but now she looked across at Antonio and gave him a weak smile. She wasn't sure he could help.

"Did I hear Voight say you knew this couple."

"Yeah" she replied. Her voice was quiet and strained. "I can't talk about it. Lets just focus on the job, ok?"

"Can you do that?"

"Dawson, I'm good. I promise."

Kim had walked into this building hundreds of times to see victims laid out on the cold stainless steel tables, and over the years she had got more and more used to seeing all the horrible things she'd seen. Young girls sliced open, innocent bystanders caught up in gang violence, but this time when Antonio pushed open the doors to the examination room it felt different. She felt numb and light headed and had to really struggle to keep her composure.

"Hey Sandra." Antonio greeted the young ME as he walked down the few steps from the door. "Have you got our victim for us?"

She put down the chart she held. "Detective Dawson, how are you doing? He's right this way."

Sandra pulled back the sheet and Kim saw Frank Ashe's face. "Poor man" Kim said. She thought she spoke to quietly for anyone to hear but Antonio heard and was struck by the tone of her voice. He squeezed her arm. If she had known this man, no matter how long ago, it must be tough for her to see him like this. It was always hard when it was someone you knew.

"If it's any consolation" Sandra said, "he probably died pretty quickly. He didn't suffer. One bullet tore right through his heart. The other lodged in his shoulder. I pulled out both rounds, one of your guys has already taken them to ballistics for analysis."

"Were there any signs of a struggle?"

The ME shook her head. "No. He was probably caught by surprise. He didn't have time to fight back."

After hearing the medical examiner's report, Antonio finished up the rest of the paperwork while Kim headed back out to the car. She needed a moment. She needed a drink too, but that wasn't an option, so a moment alone would have to do. It had been a couple of hours since the case was brought in and she had barely had five minutes to herself to process this news.

She had only met the Ashes a couple of times and it was more than half her life ago. This news had come out of the blue and hit her like a truck. She leaned forward in the passenger seat and put her head on the dashboard, covering her face with her arms. Finally tears escaped and soaked into her shirt sleeve. It didn't feel real. She never thought she'd see this couple ever again, and now…

Her thoughts were disturbed when Antonio opened the door and slid into the driver's seat. Kim didn't even bother to try and hide the fact she'd been crying. There was little point, Antonio would have realised whether she tried to hide it or not.

"Hey" he said, his voice full of concern. He leant across and put his arm around Kim's shoulders. "Please talk to me. Look, I know what it's like to have everyone up in your business. Whatever you say will be just between us."

Kim looked across at her partner and the caring look on his face. They hadn't always seen eye to eye and hadn't gelled as well as partners as they might have done, but she knew she could trust him. But she wasn't sure if she could trust herself to keep it together if she told him her secret. She settled for a half truth, hoping it might help to relieve some of the burden. "I did know this couple a little bit, I met them three or four times forever ago. They did something for me and I owe them a debt. They were good people, I owe it to them to find out what happened."

Antonio sat back in his seat. There was more to this story, he knew there was, but he wouldn't push. He could already see that Kim was a little more relaxed as if some small weight had been lifted from her shoulders. He hoped she felt she could confide in him about the rest whenever she was ready, but he wouldn't pressure her. He would just keep an eye on her, be there for her to turn to if she felt she wanted to.

"Let's get back to the District" Antonio said. He turned the key in the ignition and put the car into drive. "I hope someone's found a lead by now."

* * *

"I guess lunch is off" Adam said. He cornered Hailey by her locker and put his hands on her waist. "Are you ok? It must have been tough to talk to their son at the hospital."

Hailey nodded sadly. "That poor kid, Adam. He just looked so broken."

Adam kissed her on the forehead affectionately and let her go. Hailey closed her locker door and the two of them left the room.

"Jay said they got a hit off the traffic cam, traced their van back to a warehouse by the docks." Hailey was filling Adam in on the new developments as they walked back upstairs to meet the team.

He was listening, but something caught his eye as they reached the end of the corridor. "Go ahead" he said to Hailey. "I'll just be a minute." He smiled at his girlfriend then turned to go back the way they'd come.

Kim was standing alone, leaning against the wall with her eyes closed.

"Hey" he said, approaching slowly. Kim opened her eyes at the familiar voice. Adam's one simple word was full of concern. "You seem upset, is everything alright? Where's Antonio?"

"He's upstairs already."

"I understand you knew these people." Adam nudged her gently.

Kim couldn't blame him for being concerned about her and loved him for it, but she didn't want to talk to anyone. Least of all Adam, when he was the one she felt most guilty about hiding this part of her life from. She'd agreed to marry him once upon a time, and yet she had kept something as huge as this from him.

"Yeah, I did. I'm sorry, Adam, I don't want to talk about it. But thank you for looking out for me. Really." She offered him a smile and she hoped it was convincing.

"Alright. But I'm here if you change your mind, ok?" Kim nodded gratefully. "Ok then. Let's get upstairs and get up to speed with the case."

Kim had to get a grip. She was doing a terrible job of hiding the shock and, in a lot of ways, the grief she was feeling. Seeing Frank Ashe, the kind jolly man she remembered meeting when she was feeling so vulnerable and alone, laid out on a slab in the mortuary had hit her hard. She certainly couldn't bring herself to see Colleen and Spencer at the hospital. That is why, when the team broke off to continue chasing down leads, Kim jogged after Hailey and Jay for an update as they headed to head back out.

"Hey. You guys were at the hospital. How is Colleen?"

"Not good" Jay said. "My brother called, she's back in surgery, there was more bleeding in her brain."

"How was her son?" Kim asked. Her voice wavered.

"Ok considering" Hailey said. "Truthfully, I don't think I'd be keeping it together half as well as he is. He's a strong kid. We're heading back there if you want to come?"

Kim shook her head. "No. I've got leads to follow up here. Thanks though."

* * *

If she couldn't have vodka, which would be her drink of choice right now if she wasn't at work, coffee would have to do. The office was quiet now. The team had all gone back out. Despite his words from earlier, some of what Kim had said must have struck a chord with Voight and he instructed Kim and Antonio to stay behind and run point. Kim was usually so eager to be right in the thick of it, out on the streets solving cases, but just this once she was thankful to be left behind.

She turned the coffee maker on and sat down on the couch in the breakroom to collect her thoughts. She was alone, Antonio had told her he had to make a quick phone call and would be back in five.

Doing what she had been dying to do ever since this morning, but was fearful of being caught and having to explain herself, she took her purse from the zipped pocket of her jacket and pulled something out of one of the card slots.

It was a photograph. It had ben opened and refolded so many times that there was a sharp crease straight down the middle and the corners were dog-eared from many years of handling. Kim unfolded it slowly. She could see the image in her mind's eye every time she closed her eyes, but it was comforting somehow to have the physical photo in her hands. Or usually it was comforting, today looking at it felt like a stab in the gut.

When she had a bad day, when something went wrong in her life or she felt like she'd made a mistake, she liked to take out this photo. It reminded Kim that at least one choice she'd made in her life was the right one, and it gave her strength to appreciate the way her life had turned out and all she'd achieved because of that choice.

Ever since, Kim had locked that choice away deep inside herself. She hadn't confided in anyone for fear of judgement. But after what had happened to that poor family this morning, her shame and embarrassment seemed insignificant. Kim had been all over the place all day and she wasn't any help to the team or the investigation like that. Maybe she would feel better if she let it out. Maybe it would calm her down to share her secret finally, and allow her to really help catch the killer.

This is why, when Antonio returned and walked into the room, Kim didn't scramble to hide the photo but let it fall to her lap face down. Part of her wanted Antonio to notice, she wanted him to ask.

"There you are. Everyone's gone, it's just us." Antonio sat down on the couch beside Kim and she scooted over to make room. "I know I've had a lot going on lately, but I wanted to let you know that I'm going to try my best to be a better partner from now on, someone you can turn to and trust."

"I do trust you, Antonio" she said.

Antonio looked away. "I know. That's not what I meant. I look at how close Adam and Kev are, and Jay and Hailey, and I want that for us too. I want you to feel that I have your back no matter what."

"I want that too."

"I can see this case is troubling you and I can't begin to guess why, but I just wanted to say my piece." He took Kim's hand which was resting in her lap and Antonio's eyes fell on the photo. "What's this?"

Kim squeezed her eyes shut for a second but a tear still slid down her cheek. She touched the photo and fingered it gently. Was she really going to do this, after keeping her past hidden for so long? Yes, she decided. It was time.

"I first met the Ashes almost 18 years ago when they lived in Chicago the first time." Kim spoke quietly but steadily. Antonio didn't move. He barely breathed, so scared that one wrong move would scare Kim and she would clam up again and make an excuse. "The agency matched us up." Kim looked up at Antonio. "They were so kind to me, they didn't judge me or look down on me for the situation I was in. They listened, and they cared."

"Kim? What are you saying?"

Kim picked up the photo and looked at it again, but it was angled away so Antonio couldn't see. Kim paused for a moment, thoughtfully. If she turned over this photo, that was it. Her secret would be out in the world again and there was no taking it back. But she felt that it was right, and she was being truthful when she told Antonio she trusted him. Slowly she picked up the photo and handed it to Antonio. She watched his expression change from curiosity to shock as he registered what was on the image.

A baby. A tiny newborn baby wrapped in a blue blanket.

"The reason I know Frank and Colleen Ashe is because they adopted my son."

Antonio breathed in deeply, absorbing this information as best he could. He looked back at Kim, his eyes wide. "Spencer?"

"Spencer.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to everyone who has left me a review so far. I'm sorry it's been a few weeks since I posted the first chapter. It's turning out to be a bit longer than I thought it would be, I only intended it to last 2 chapters but I've written this one and the story's not finished.

Chapter 2

"I don't know what to say, Kim." Antonio handed back the photo and looked at his partner with an expression on his face Kim couldn't read. Shock? Disbelief? She couldn't really blame him.

She shrugged and smiled sadly. "It is what it is. I didn't know if I'd ever see them again. Today has been… Awful. Surreal."

"How do you feel?"

Kim leant forward, her hands on her knees, contemplating the very complex answer to that simple question. "I wish I knew." After a moment she sat up straight again and looked at the photo that was still in her hand. "It was such a long time ago, I was a different person. I was so young." She swallowed nervously. If she was going to tell Antonio any of this she might as well reveal the whole story. It wasn't that she was nervous to tell Antonio specifically, she knew he wouldn't repeat anything she was saying. It was that she had kept it in for long it felt strange telling anyone.

"I was 15" she continued. "There's not much of a story, honestly. Just your typical teenage pregnancy. My boyfriend dumped me the minute I told him I was pregnant. My parents were more understanding thankfully, they were great. They were disappointed but they supported me."

Antonio smiled and put his hand on Kim's. He was thinking about Eva and what he would do if she came home and told him she was in trouble. He liked to think he'd keep his cool, he knew he'd stick by her side no matter what. He felt glad that Kim hadn't been alone.

"I was scared, but it wasn't terrible. My parents wanted me to keep the baby but I knew I couldn't. I couldn't be the kind of mother I wanted to be, you know? I don't regret it, giving him up. The moment I met the Ashes I knew they were my baby's parents. They'd wanted kids for so long. It felt right."

Kim met Antonio's eyes then as if there was nothing more to say. Antonio suspected there was a lot more to say but if Kim wasn't ready, she wasn't ready. But Antonio felt compelled to fill the silence.

"Thank you for telling me" he said, certain that it must have been difficult and appreciating Kim's bravery, not just now, but back then too.

"I've never really talked about that time. You probably think that's weird but it's how I coped, I guess. I gave birth, Spencer was adopted, I went right back to high school and moved on with my life. No one I've met since I graduated knows. I didn't even tell Adam."

"I won't say anything to anyone. You have my word."

"Thanks Antonio." Kim felt her eyes fill with tears for the first time since she'd said a word to Antonio. But they weren't tears of regret for the decision she made 17 years ago, only for what happened this morning. "They didn't deserve this. It makes me sick that someone would do something like this to such good people. I gave them a child and they gave me a future. My life would not be the same as it is now if things hadn't worked out the way they did. I'm sure I wouldn't be in intelligence, I probably wouldn't even be a cop. The very least I can do is us my skills to catch whoever did this. I owe it to them."

"Are you sure you want to keep working? I'm sure Voight would understand, you wouldn't even need to tell him, I could convince him." Antonio squeezed Kim's hand, a small but meaningful gesture which Kim appreciated.

"No, I want to. I'm okay, I promise. But I should stay here, I don't want to be at the crime scene and I don't think it would be a good idea for me to go to the hospital. I can't see Spencer, no matter how much I might want to. Not now, it wouldn't be fair."

"Does he know that he's adopted?" Antonio asked. The question just slipped out but he quickly backtracked. "I'm sorry, it's none of my business."

"It's alright. Yeah, he knows. I've received updates from the Ashes over the years. It was nice, to know that my son was living the life I'd hoped for him. Frank and Colleen always said when he turned 18 they would tell him who I was and let him make the choice to meet me or not. But now… Frank's dead and there's a very real chance Colleen won't wake up. He might not even get the chance now, but I have to be okay with that. It's not my place to tell him."

Kim wiped her eyes furiously. Getting upset wouldn't be helpful to anyone. She needed to focus, to act like this was any other case. She took a deep breath and stood up, not even waiting for Antonio to respond. She shoved put photo back in her pocket. "Come on, let's see what we can do."

* * *

"Is Detective Upton here?"

Sargent Platt looked up from her paperwork at the front desk to find a dark-haired young man with bags under his eyes looking back at her. There was something desperate in his face that softened Platt and she nodded. "Yeah, she's here. I'll call upstairs. Have a seat." Platt pointed to the wooden bench by the wall and the teenager shuffled over and sat down.

A minute later the security door which led upstairs buzzed open and Upton appeared. Platt pointed wordlessly to where her visitor sat and Hailey approached slowly. "Spencer" she said gently. The boy looked up. "It's late, what are you doing here?"

Spencer tugged on the sleeve of his jacket nervously. "I remembered something that might help" he said.

Hailey sat down beside him. "You could have called, you didn't have to come over here."

Spencer shrugged. "I had to get out of that hospital, I was going crazy just waiting."

"Did you walk here?"

"Yeah. It's not so far."

Hailey glanced into the side office and saw it was occupied. Whatever Spencer had come here to tell her, or even if he just wanted to talk about what happened, the lobby of the district was not the place. "Come on" Hailey said, standing up. "Let's go somewhere more private."

Upstairs, Kim slumped over her desk and yawned. She'd spent hours trawling though pod camera footage trying to pick out vehicles that matched the description of the getaway van to no avail. It was almost 8pm and they hadn't made much headway with the investigation, but she didn't want to stop working, none of them did. She could tell Antonio was reluctant to leave her, he hovered nearby ready to lend her moral support the second she needed it. The rest of the team had their own reasons for still being here, Kim figured, but she didn't ask. She didn't want to draw attention to how much she was invested in this, just in case any of her colleagues got suspicious.

She barely noticed when Hailey walked back upstairs only a minute after she'd left, but when Kim saw who followed her up into the bullpen she sat up straight. Antonio too perked up. He put the phone down and glanced from Kim to Spencer and back again, on alert.

Hailey gently guided Spencer through towards the kitchen area. He looked around at the faces that stared back at him and caught Kim's eyes for a second, offered a shy smile to the room, then dropped his gaze to the floor again.

"Jay?" Hailey beckoned for her partner to join them, and Kim watched at Halstead, Upton and Spencer walked around the corner and out of sight.

Jay closed the door behind them and allowed Hailey to take the lead. This kid seemed to trust her, so Jay hung back as he had done at the hospital, watching on silently. Spencer sat down at the small table. He declined Hailey's offer of a drink, so she sat down opposite him.

"You said you remembered something?" Hailey prompted him gently.

Spencer ran his hands over his face and through his hair, seeming to gather his thoughts. "It might not be important, but you said I should tell you if I remembered anything, right?"

Hailey nodded and reached out to touch Spencer's arm in support. "That's right."

"The morning I left for Hockey camp some guys came to our door. They said they were from a security company, they installed alarms. They said they knew we'd just moved in and asked if we had thought about home security measures. My Dad answered the door, I was upstairs in my bedroom. I didn't see them but I heard raised voices. My Dad said he wasn't interested, he'd already ordered a system from another company, but they were kind of pushy. They didn't want to leave." He stopped and shrugged apologetically, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "That's all. I'm sorry, it's probably not much help."

"No" Hailey said. "It's great. We'll look into it." She looked up and nodded at Jay who left the room quietly to fill in the team and begin digging into possible leads. She turned her attention back to Spencer. "How's your Mom?"

"She's still unconscious. The doctors keep saying we have to wait and see."

"She's not got worse, that's good." Hailey tried her hardest to put a positive spin on this but she heard how empty her words sounded. "Have you eaten?"

Spender shook his head. "I'm not hungry." His cellphone buzzed in his pocket. "That's probably my aunt" he said, without even looking at it. "She'll be wondering where I am."

"Spencer, let me drive you back to the hospital, okay?"

* * *

Soon after Hailey had left with Spencer, Voight told them all to go home. As tempting as it was to work through the night chasing down this new lead, he needed his unit rested and refreshed so they could work tomorrow and be at their best.

But there was very little chance that Kim would sleep a wink. She sat on her sofa in a daze, her legs tucked up under a blanket. She cradled a mug of fresh tea in both hands, staring into space. Part of her would rather be drinking alcohol than caffeine, but that would feel disrespectful somehow. This wasn't about her. Whatever she was feeling wasn't half as important as what Spencer was feeling, and she owed it to him and to Frank and Colleen to at least try to get some rest and be ready tomorrow, not hungover and sleep deprived.

When the doorbell rang, Kim dragged her weary body off the couch to go and answer it. She wasn't at all surprised to see who was on her doorstep.

"Don't you have a home to go to?"

Antonio gave her a wry smile. "I wanted to check on you."

"I'm fine."

"Can I come in anyway?"

Kim stepped aside to let Antonio into her hallway. It was strange having her partner in her home. She was aware that Halstead and Upton shared drinks at each other's places all the time after a tough case, it was usually for them, but her and Antonio were such different people, Kim felt they didn't have much in common other than the job.

"This is a nice place you've got here."

"I don't mean to be rude" Kim replied slowly, "but I don't have the energy for small talk. I'm sorry."

"I get it. Just talk then. Seeing Spencer earlier, that must have been tough."

"This whole day has been tough."

Without warning Antonio wrapped his arms around Kim, not saying another word. Kim tensed, ready to fight it, but after a second she relaxed and let Antonio's strong arms hold her. She needed that hug, she hadn't realised just how much.

"Thanks Antonio" Kim said, releasing her grip. He rubbed her shoulders a couple of times and looked into her face. She smiled weakly. "Thank you for checking up on me."

"Any time."

"I'm exhausted though, all I want to do is sleep. See you tomorrow?"

Antonio nodded and stepped away. "Alright. But call me if you need me. I don't care what time."

"Thanks partner."

Kim close the door after Antonio left and felt the remaining energy she was holding onto leave her body. He tea was forgotten, as were the dishes she'd left in the sink. She didn't even stop to wash the makeup off her face. Her earlier suspicions that she wouldn't sleep were proved incorrect as the second Kim's head hit her pillow she was out like a light.

* * *

Hailey was sitting on top of the covers reading her phone when Adam entered the bedroom and kicked off his shoes. She put her phone down on the nightstand. "Hey" she smiled.

Adam squeezed in next to her and kissed her on the side of the head. "Hey."

"Are you okay?"

Adam sighed. "This case man. I don't know what it is, we see stuff way tougher than this all the time."

Hailey slipped her arm around his back and leant into his chest. "I know. I can't stop thinking about Spencer and what he must be going through."

Adam hugged Hailey back but was quiet. His mind wasn't in the room. With trepidation, he sighed and spoke his mind. "Did Kim seem off to you today? I know we've all taken this pretty hard but I don't know, there was something…"

Hailey looked up at his face. "I know what you mean. You should talk to her, she might open up to you."

Adam was surprised. "You wouldn't mind?"

Hailey gave him a look then that told him he was being stupid to even ask that question. "Of course not."

So that's what Adam resolved to do the next morning as he travelled into work, but the opportunity arose a lot sooner than he thought it would when he bumped into Kim in the coffee shop a block away from the district. She looked better, she looked rested, but still there was a worried expression on her face and she was in another world. She didn't see him at first even though he called her name several times. Adam paid for both their coffees and they started to walk towards the door.

"I don't want to push you, Kim" Adam said. "But I'm here if you want to talk to me."

Even though they'd been over for a long time and he had moved on with Hailey, Adam still cared a lot about Kim and hated to see her upset. Kim was touched by his concern but she was also a little tired of people asking her if she was okay.

"I'm fine Adam. All I want to do is catch the people who hurt that family."

"Of course, we all want that, but I know you Kim, I know there's something going on."

Kim stopped abruptly in front of the glass door. "God Adam, what happened to not pushing? I'm fine. Just drop it."

It was so unlike Kim to snap like that that now Adam was more convinced than ever that there was something else the matter but he kept his cool and let her sharp tone wash over him.

"I'm sorry Kim, I'm just worried about you."

"I don't need you to be worried about me, I need you to be worried about that poor woman in a coma and a 17 year old kid that's just lost his father."

Kim could hear the tone of her voice grow louder and a couple sitting by the window looked up in alarm. Adam didn't say another word in response to that, he didn't snap back and that made Kim feel even worse. Her face crumpled, the sudden burst of anger she felt faded to tears. "I'm sorry" Kim muttered, and she turned and bolted out the door leaving a bewildered Adam standing in the doorway.

* * *

"Here we go!" Kim's heart started beating faster the way it always did when she got closer to solving a case. Her outburst at Adam had changed something and she was focused on nothing but getting a result. She would apologise to him later, she promised herself, but right then as she stared at the mug shot on her screen of the man who more than likely was the person they were after, it was far from her mind.

The rest of Intelligence gathered around her desk. "Martin Logan, 42. His other brother Keith owns 'Logan's alarms' and check this out" Kim pulled up the company's webpage to show a photo of a blue van on the website's home page, just like the one the witnesses described. "He's done jail time for burglary, he's currently out on parole, his registered address is his brother's address.

"Alright then." Voight nodded, satisfied. "Good work. Go and grab him up, see what he has to say."

Kim stood up in a hurry and went to grab her jacket where it hung. From not wanting to be involved in this investigation at all yesterday morning, Kim now wanted nothing else than to slap handcuffs on this monster herself but Antonio intercepted her. "No, Kim. Let somebody else go." Antonio spoke in hushed tones. He didn't want to make a scene, but at the same time he couldn't let his partner walk in there so fired up. There was no telling what she might do.

"I've got this" Kim said, trying to throw him off.

"Burgess, you're too close to this."

"What's going on?"

Voight couldn't hear what they were saying but could tell something was going on. Kim and Antonio both turned to face their sergeant.

"Nothing Serge, I'm good" Kim answered.

Voight folded his arms. "Well, clearly something's going on. Do one of you want to tell me what it is?"

"You should let Atwater and Ruzek take this one" Antonio said.

The other four members of the unit turned at once. Kim was aware of all their eyes on her and hot tears burned the back of her eyes. "Antonio, don't you dare."

Antonio looked at her with sympathy. He didn't want to be doing this, and he fully intended to keep his promise, but at the same time he couldn't let Kim go out there. The way she was acting right now she could put herself and the rest of the team in danger. "Please trust me" Antonio said. He was talking to Kim as well as Voight.

"We'll go" Kevin said, breaking the tension. "Come on Adam." As the two men left, Adam shot one last look back at Kim.

"Burgess, can I have a word in my office please?" Voight didn't sound angry, he sounded confused and concerned, but Kim still felt butterflies in her stomach.

Voight pulled the door closed behind him and motioned for Kim to sit down. She did nervously, blinking to keep the tears from falling. "I'm taking you off the case" Voight said gently. Kim opened her mouth to protest but Voight held up his hand. "It's clear you're too emotionally involved in this. I want to know why, I want to help you, but if you don't want to tell me that's your right. But you're not thinking straight. I trust Dawson, and he's clearly worried too."

"I have to catch the son of a bitch who did this" Kim said, emotion constricting her throat so her words came out strained. "You have to let me stay on the case."

Voight was done being gentle, now was the time for tough love. "We both out-rank you" he said, his tone of voice making it plain that there was no room for further argument. "You can keep working, but you're not to leave this precinct and you're certainly not to go anywhere near the suspect when he's brought in. Am I clear?"

Kim nodded. She didn't have a choice.

* * *

"Shut your mouth and sit down!"

Adam pushed Martin Logan, the suspect, roughly back into his chair as he started yelling profanities in his face.

"Get your hands off me!"

Kevin had been standing calmly by the wall but now he stepped in. "Swearing at my partner isn't going to do you a damn bit of good. We found gun shot residue on your coat. We found your finger prints on the weapon you used to bash a woman's head in. There's nothing you can say that will help you."

Kim watched Adam and Kevin question the man, watched them drag him out of the room in handcuffs. She could also hear every word they were saying, but she wasn't listening. She felt numb. All she was aware of was Antonio's hand on her shoulder and her partner talking to her in a low voice. He seemed aware that although Kim was watching the same scene he was, the information was not registering with her.

"They've got him" he said. "He gave up his partner too. It's over Kim. It's over."

Kim breathed in slowly. It wasn't over. Not for Colleen Ashe. Not for Spencer. Antonio rubbed Kim's back, seeing how distressed she still was. She let him, even though Voight was standing on the other side of her and looked at them both questioningly when he noticed. This morning Kim was so eager to cling onto her secret, but now she just didn't care.

"Burgess" Voight said. "Can we talk?"

Antonio took his cue to leave. He gave Kim's arm one last squeeze to let her know he was there for her and left the small viewing room.

"I owe you an apology" the sergeant said. "I should have listened to you yesterday. I should have trusted you to know what you could and couldn't handle. It's clear how difficult these past couple of days have been for you, I'm sorry if I made it worse for you."

Kim still stared through the window even though the interrogation room was now empty. "He's my son." Kim spoke before she really knew she was saying it. She turned to Voight to see his reaction. In his typical fashion, he remained emotionless, but the slight raise of his eyebrow showed he was surprised.

"Spencer" Kim clarified. "He's my son. The Ashes adopted him when he was a baby. That's how I know them. That's why this case has been hard for me."

"Kim…"

"It's fine" she said, cutting him off. She said it, but it wasn't true. "I'm sorry Sergeant, there's something I need to do."

* * *

"Have you found them?"

When Spencer say Hailey walking towards him where he stood by the water cooler, that was the first question he asked. It was the only question he cared about.

Hailey nodded. "Yes, we've got them. They admitted everything, they'll go away for a long time. It's thanks to you we never would have tracked them down without the information you told me." She guided Spencer over to a nearby chair and sat down beside him. "Do you want to know what happened?"

Spencer was looking down at the floor and had his eyes shut tight. He didn't want to cry, he'd been doing too much of that the last two days. He shook his head emphatically. "They killed my father, that's all I need to know."

"Alright" Hailey said soothingly. "Is there anything I can do?"

Spencer didn't speak. He put his arms around Hailey and sobbed into her shoulder. It caught her off guard, but hugged Spencer back. She felt like crying herself. This poor boy had been through so much, anything she could do to help him just a little bit she would do. She spotted Jay approaching from the other end of the hallway and smiled at him weakly.

"You have my card" Hailey said when Spencer finally got a hold of his tears and sat upright again. "If I can do anything to help you just give me a call."

Spencer wiped his eyes, embarrassed. "I'm sorry about that" he said. He tried to laugh, but it didn't work.

"It's ok. I don't mind. How's your Mom doing?"

"She's the same."

"I'm going to go and talk to her doctors ok? I'll be back."

Hailey left Spencer sitting by the cooler to process the news she'd just given him. She walked towards Jay and when they met by the nurse's station, Jay put a comforting arm around her. She leant into him, she needed comfort too.

"Are you alright?"

"I will be. Thanks Jay. Where's your bother? We need an update on Mrs Ashes condition for the report."

A little way away Kim watched the two detectives as they walked away. A large part of her brain was screaming at her that she shouldn't be here, but she couldn't help herself. She still felt sure that she should leave Spencer alone, at least for now. She didn't want to add to his trauma, he'd been through enough. Even though Kim hadn't seen him since he was four days old, she never stopped caring about him, never stopped loving him. She'd carried him inside her, he was a part of her for almost 9 months, and seeing him again, if only from afar had brought back the maternal feelings she felt the first time she held him. She hoped one day she could get to know the man he was becoming, but today was not that day.

But she did want to see Colleen. She owed it to her. Even though the woman was unconscious and probably couldn't hear her, Kim knew that she wouldn't be at peace with this until she had said what she needed to.

She saw Spencer sitting quietly with his thoughts along the corridor from his mother's room. She'd only have a few minutes, but that was all she needed. She found the side room where Colleen Ashe lay. She was prepared to justify her presence there in case she had to explain herself to a nurse, but there was no one else in the room. She entered slowly.

Colleen's face was very pale and still, not at all like the happy vibrant woman she remembered. Kim smiled sadly. "Hi Mrs Ashe" she said quietly. "You probably remember me. It's Kim. I'm sorry this happened to you."

She dared to take the woman's cold clammy hand in hers and settled into the speech she had prepared. The words came tumbling out. "We caught the men who hurt you and your husband. You don't need to worry about that anymore, just focus on getting better. For Spencer. I can see how much he loves you. He needs you." Kim's tears began to fall but she didn't try to stop them. She needed to let it out. "Thank you. What you did for me back then, it means the world to me. I hoped I'd get to meet you again one day and tell you, not like this. I'm sorry about your husband. He was a good man, I liked him a lot."

"Hello?"

Spencer stood in the doorway and Kim looked up in shock. Her mind raced. How long had he been standing there? How much had he heated? But he didn't show any signs that he'd heard anything, only surprise that a stranger was in his mother's room. Kim dropped Colleen's hand and stood up. "Hi" she said, fighting to get a hold of herself quickly. "I'm sorry, I'll get out of your hair."

"You work in Intelligence right? I saw you at the station when I came to see Detective Upton."

Kim smiled. It felt good to talk to Spencer, even if it was only small talk. "That's right" she said. She offered him her hand. "Officer Burgess."

Spencer shook her hand and Kim took a deep breath to keep her emotions at bay. If Spencer noticed her strange reaction when their hands touched he didn't say anything. Kim could see in his eyes that he was utterly exhausted and barely registering what was going on around him. Kim knew the feeling.

"Thank you for catching them" Spencer said.

"You're welcome" Kim said. "If there's anything we can do for you..."

"Detective Upton said the same. I appreciate it, but I don't think there's anything you can do. I'm going to sit with my Mom now."

"Goodbye Spencer" Kim said. As she passed him on the way to the door she felt and urge to embrace him but resisted. When she looked back he was already sitting by his mother's bed, resuming his silent vigil. Kim put her face in her hands.

"Kim?"

She looked up to see Hailey.

"What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to see how Colleen was" Kim said. There was no point lying. Upton knew that Kim had history with the family, even if she didn't know the details.

"Halstead went to bring the car around. Do you want a lift back to the district?"

Kim nodded. She wiped her face in an attempt to compose herself. "Thanks, that would be great."

"Are you alright?" Hailey asked, but then shook her head. "You're probably sick of people asking that, I'm sorry."

Kim smiled. "Yeah, a little bit. I'm alright, I promise. Just dealing with a lot of memories from the past. You know I knew Frank and Colleen? A long time ago."

Both women turned. They could see into the ICU room, could see Spencer's profile as he gazed at his mother's face. Hailey looked from the boy to Kim and back again. Suddenly a thought struck her. It was fleeting, but she saw something on her colleague's face that caught her attention. "Kim?" She began, but then her phone buzzed in her pocket and stopped. It was a crazy thought and she was glad Jay's phone call stopped her saying it out loud. "Are you ready to go?" She asked Kim instead. Kim nodded and they walked towards the elevator. But Hailey couldn't shake the thought she'd had, and it played on her mind the whole way back to the District.

* * *

Kim was silent as they drove back to work. Kim was thinking about Spencer. About what would have happened if he realised who she was, or if she had told him. Inside she felt an ache of loss. It may have been her only chance and she'd let it pass by. But she knew deep down it was the right decision. She may never see her son again but it would have been selfish to reveal her identity and she couldn't do that to him.

It was the end of their shift and Kim couldn't wait to get out of there and be alone. But there was something she needed to do first. As they pulled into the parking lot se saw Adam standing at the entrance to the garage, his bag slung over his shoulder and his hands in his pockets.

"Hey man" Jay said as he passed.

Hailey gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "Give me ten minutes" she said. Both detectives disappeared into the building.

"Adam" Kim said. "You're still here."

Adam smiled awkwardly. It was still a bit strange between them since his relationship with Hailey was out in the open. "Yeah, I was waiting for Hailey."

Kim stood beside him and looked out into the street. "I'm so sorry about this morning. I shouldn't have spoken to you the way I did. You were only trying to help and I bit your head off."

"Don't mention it. We were all stressed and under pressure."

"No." Kim turned to him. "That's no excuse." She sighed. "You were right, there was more to this case for me. One day I might tell you, but I'm not ready."

Adam smiled at her tenderly. "I'll be here for you whenever you are ready. You know that right? I still care about you Kim. I always will."

Kim knew. She didn't feel like she deserved it, but she know. Adam was the most loyal person she knew. She felt lucky to still have him as a friend even after all they'd been through. "Thanks Adam. Goodnight."

Kim didn't even go back inside to her locker, not to change or grab any of her stuff. There was nothing she needed more than to just go home. She walked to her car and unlocked the door with a bleep. She climbed into the drivers seat and closed the door. Finally alone, Kim rested her forehead against the steering wheel and cried.


End file.
